The Arrows of Time
by anotherweasley
Summary: What was the real reason Paul was so angry in the episode "Custody?"


The Arrows of Time  
By: Olivia  
  
"So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache/Hanging on the memory, you need most...you  
see through me don't you."-Matchbox Twenty-"Angry"  
  
"I cannot but remember such things were/That were most precious to me."-William Shakespeare-  
"Macbeth"  
  
  
There was a knock at the door.  
  
"Come in," Adam called out.  
  
When Adam saw who it was he said, "Ah, Paul, come on in."  
  
Paul walked over with a smile and extended his hand. Adam went over and shook his hand  
returning Paul's smile.  
  
"Come on and have a seat," said Adam clapping Paul on the back as they went to sit in Adam's  
chairs by the office window. "I wasn't sure if you would stop by and see me, especially now that  
the trial's over."  
  
Paul nodded. "I figured it might not be appropriate while the trial was going on...."  
  
It was Adam's turn to nod in understanding. It had been three years since they had seen each  
other, since Paul had left the DA's office to start his own private practice. Paul hadn't contacted  
him since then, but Adam had tried to keep informed of what he was up to. He did that for all his  
DA's who left the office.  
  
"Claire told me about the conversation you and she had."  
  
"The Ben Stone question."  
  
"Yes, the Ben Stone question." Adam got up and poured a drink for himself and Paul. He  
handed Paul his drink when he sat back down. He and Paul both took sips of their drinks. "You  
answered that question that week you left. You said you were a black man who was a lawyer  
and not a lawyer who just happened to be black. You felt you couldn't be that here, so you left.   
And I'm not going to sit here and argue with you, Paul."  
  
"I didn't come here to argue with you," said Paul earnestly.  
  
"I know you didn't. The truth is, you don't really know why you're here. I'll tell you why,  
you're angry. But your anger had nothing to do with this case or any racial issue."  
  
Paul couldn't say a word. He couldn't believe that Adam had read him so clearly, even after all  
these years. He'd realized after his last conversation with Claire, that for some reason his anger,  
his animosity toward Jack and Claire ran much deeper than the case and issue. He had come to  
Adam seeking answers.  
  
"So, you're going to tell me why I'm angry?" asked Paul.  
  
Adam nodded. "You thought this case would be a homecoming of sorts, but it wasn't.   
Everything is different. Even though it's not one's fault, deep down inside you hold the current  
people responsible. In your mind, they don't measure up to the people who occupied those  
positions when you were here."  
  
Paul looked down at the glass in his hands. What that it? What that where this anger was  
coming from? And then he knew, he knew what Adam said was true.  
  
"You're right. No one is still here except for you and Lennie. Max was killed, Phil took that  
desk job, Don left for the Anti Corruption Task Force, Mike was demoted and transferred, and  
Ben left the DA's office. Nothing's the same. And I guess deep down I was looking forward to  
seeing those people again, not realizing that I probably never will again."  
  
"Things change," Adam said. "You looked at Jack and Claire as if they were going to be Ben  
and Paul, but they're not."  
  
"No they're not," Paul admitted. "I guess I was looking to get some sort of that spark back, to  
have some good memories come back to me. And even though I knew they were no longer here,  
deep inside I still expected them to be here somehow. Jack McCoy is no Ben Stone and in my  
mind, he will never measure up."  
  
"And neither will Claire," Paul continued. "I guess I saw her as being an invader by occupying  
my old position, as if there couldn't be anyone there but me."  
  
Paul happened to glance at his watch. He was running late. He had not expected to be here this  
long. "I'm sorry, I'm due in court shortly on another case."  
  
Adam got up and walked Paul to the door. They shook hands.  
  
"I've been through a lot of changes in my years here, Paul. The people we have working here  
now, they're different. But don't get me wrong, they are good at their jobs. You know I expect  
the best. I'm proud of them and I'm proud of you. You gave them a run for their money on this  
case, kept them on their toes."  
  
"And we all missed you when you left," Adam confessed. "Poor Ben rode Claire pretty hard  
those first few months. I don't think he thought she could replace you."  
  
Paul was touched. He could barely speak. And he felt ashamed that he had let weeds grow up  
between him and the DA's office. "I'm going to keep in touch more," was all Paul could get out.  
  
Adam smiled. "Good."  
  
Paul returned Adam's smile and left for his next case. Adam closed the door still smiling and  
shaking his head. He could always read his DA's better than they could read themselves  
sometimes. Adam suffered a momentary ache for people and times long since past. But there  
was no time to think on those things as Jack and Claire came into his office to ask for guidance  
on their next case. 


End file.
